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Hillary to Promise Downs for Houses
March 29, 2016
by William P. Meyers

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Bernie Sanders Counters

Freaked out by the Bernie Sanders surge in last Saturday's caucuses, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton plans to unveil a major new initiative before the next major round of Democratic Party primaries.

According to confidential sources, Hillary's plan would provide a 5% down payment on a house or condo to any American citizen who does not already own a home. The plan would be paid for by simply requiring all federal banks to take the down out of the future interest payments. But the would-be homeowners will have to prove they can make the payments and have paid up on their income taxes.

Hillary Clinton

Bernie Sanders was outraged. "I've been preparing a better plan since 1957. My plan would give every American a home, with a 10% down provided by the government. The money for the downs would come from a new tax on bank profits derived from current mortgage payments and from ending the mortgage interest deduction for income taxes. "

Bernie Sanders added "I am, and always have been, a Socialist. Voting for me will bring the kind of prosperity you see today in socialist nations like Cuba and Vietnam to the American people."

Ted Cruz pointed reporters to his current housing plan. "By letting the free market operate without interference from federal, state, and local governments, I would achieve 100% home ownership within the first 4 years of my rule. I mean Presidency."

Donald Trump was not to be undone. "It's been pointed out to me that 30 million illegal immigrants would be hard to evict from the states without drastically increasing the size of the INS. My plan is to allow individual citizens who identify illegal aliens to keep them for up to ten years to work building homes, gardening, and doing whatever other chores their masters direct. My plan would allow everyone with enough entrepreneurial initiative to build themselves not just a home, but a real estate empire."

Disclaimer: As an establishment reporting outlet, we don't bother to find out what Green Party candidate Jill Stein or other non-celebrity candidates thinks of the issue.


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